Don't worry. She's nothing. Short, inexperienced, just a daughter.
-But we do have one problem. -Yes?
The subject says he will be unable to think about science...
...unless he marries me!
Well, marry him!
But we don't know what "marry" is.
One moment.
Yes, the Mondschein 40 says marriage is this:
"He goes off to fight the Turks, and you put on a lock. "
Yes. Wrong century. Marriage is this:
"You cook and clean and bring him martinis. "
Wrong again? This is ridiculous.
Yes, wrong decade. Too old fashioned.
"The modern marriage: There are no rules or responsibilities.
"But if he does something wrong, you can set him on fire while he sleeps.
"And go on a talk show where everyone will forgive you and love you. "
There's only one drawback, you'll have to have more sex.
I'll do it.
Immediately.
Yes, sir. I know tomorrow's the last day the reflectors are in line for 19 months.
What if there is no lightning?
We will provide the lightning.
Just keep that man fed and keep his feet clean.
You're fading.
Yes, I know, it's our gravity. Now remember, you are our last hope.
If we don't get that transmission from him, our planet is doomed.
Yes, sir.
But daddy, this is so quick. I mean, you only met her last night.
It was the same with your mother.
-At least with mom you waited a week. -Your mother and I knew on the first night.
Are you crazy? You don't know a thing about her.
-I know all I need to know. -I've already gone through this, Uncle Ron.
She's after your money!
Ron, I don't even have a ball of lint and a lead slug to rub together.
She's got a trust fund.
She has a trust fund?
You know, I don't get it. Why does this happen to you?
I know! Citizenship! She wants citizenship.
She wants to take jobs away from Americans and give 'em to Dutch people!
Yeah, that's why she's here.
But it's so unfair.
I mean, you know....
It's my own brother marrying the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
And he met her at my apartment.
Ron, I appreciate your concern.
This is something I really want.
Haven't you wanted something so much that nothing else mattered?
It's your wedding, I'm gonna tell you.
There's only one woman in the world that I will ever marry.
Princess Stephanie of Monaco.
Really?
I never knew you had a thing for her. What makes her the lucky lady?
Because she's the most perfect woman in the world.
She'd have nothing to do with me.
Ron, brush up on your French lessons and your tennis, maybe it'll happen.
But right now I'm going to marry my Princess Stephanie. So wish me luck.
You've had too much luck already.
Where did she get a wedding dress on two hours notice?
Does she just carry one around with her, in case of emergencies?
I hope so. Now would you go downstairs and please be best man?
-Uncle Ron, go! -You wanna see my date? She's 6 foot 2.
Okay.
Go and tell Celeste it's time.
I'll have to leave you on the chair.
Can't you wear me?
No, I'd look too strange.
I'm so hungry.
Good thing we stopped at the hardware store.
D-cells. Primitive, but nutritious.
-Dad, she ate batteries! -What?
She took three "D" batteries out of a paper bag and ate them.
She flattened them like a Tootsie Roll wrapper.
And she was talking to someone who wasn't even in the room.
I love you more than anyone else in the world.
-Nothing's going to come between us. -Daddy, she ate batteries.
Jessie, I want you to stop this right now.
Back off, Alpo breath.
Dearly beloved....
Sit! Roll over! Play dead!
I've only known Celeste for eight minutes, but I can tell she has love for Steve...
...who I've also known for eight minutes.
You're digging your own grave, Fido.
And do you Celeste van Martin...
...take Steven Mills...
...to be your lawfully wedded husband? In sickness....
For richer and or poorer, til death do you part?
-I do. -I now pronounce you man and wife.
"I'm looking over my dead dog Rover"
-Get that dog down! -You left me alone again!
I was getting married!
Honey!
What happened?
Maybe it's a Dutch custom. They say "I do," bolt for the lawn and start digging.
Maybe she's planting tulip bulbs.
Honey, how on earth did Dave get up there! Look!
Dave! Don't move!
Volunteers! Jeff, Woody!
May I be the first to kiss the bride?
Sure.
I got him!
Where'd you get this dress?
It's him! Quick, dad, the brush!
I'm coming. Here it is. I've got it here.
The brush.
Okay. Easy.
My God, you look beautiful.
Thanks, dad. I hope he likes me.
I hope you like him.
Hi. I'm Fred. The date.
These are for you, doll.
Thank you.
I'm Steve, Jessie's dad.
-This is Mrs. Mills. -Nice to meet you.
Mouth jewellery.
Right, my braces.
My wife's from Holland, so....
You wore flats. Great.
Have a great time.
She'll be safe with me, sir.
Bye.
Did that kid look shifty to you?
Hadn't you better get back to work now?
What? You gotta be kidding, on our wedding night?
I don't think so.
God, I love you!
-Hello. -Lucas Budlong, please.
It's for you.
Hello.
-Budlong, is that you? -Yes.
This is Carl Sagan.
Carl Sagan?
It's Carl Sagan.
I'm assigned to the President's Committee on Extraterrestrials...
...the Most Important None More Secret Committee.
No, I didn't know that.
Of course. And he has personally authorised me to instruct you...
...to put Dr. Steve Mills back to work at Haddonkirk Laboratories tomorrow.
-Mills? But he almost blew the place-- -Shut up, Budlong.
No arguments.
We can't afford to waste billions and billions of dollars.
Have I made myself clear, Meathead?
Yes. I....
-And how's Skippy? -She's fine.
Tell her I asked after her.
A beautiful, desirable woman.
Yes, sir.
Who is Carl Sagan?
Bravo, Bag.
Now we've got to get Dr. Steve something to eat.
You're right. He should have no excuses not to work.
Hands on the wheel!
That's what we need.
$416.80.
What's this?
It's a diamond.
I'm sorry, we don't take diamonds at this branch. Money only.
Haven't you got anything smaller?
What did I just do?
It's called a sneeze. From the flour. But only humans are supposed to do it.
What did it feel like?
Very funny.
Very good. Very liberating.
This is my house.
I actually had a good time. Maybe we can do it again sometime.
Maybe next time we can even dance.
-I am starving. -Okay.
Just what I needed.
I could have a banquet down this block.
We've got work to do.
All right.
Did you see Uncle Ron's new invention?
It's an all-snap shirt where the snaps look like buttons. Great?
Except they rust in the wash.
-Good morning, dear. -Good morning.
-I made you breakfast, my family. -So that's what you've been up to?
Did you sleep well?
Yes.
Did you?
Hello.
Dr. Budlong.
How are you?
Fine. Thank you.
No, I don't know Dr. Sagan personally.
The President's Most Secret None More Secret?
I've been thinking, too.
About the explosion and the damage and everything.
Really? You mean it?
When can I start back?
No, not today. Today's my honeymoon.
A foreign gal.
She's a head-spinner.
Fine.
Thank you. Surely you and Skippy must remember from your own experience.
This is Mrs. Mills. lgnore my husband on anything but science.
He'll be there in 15 minutes. Maybe less. Yes, bye.
Sweetie, wait a minute. I don't wanna go to work today. It's our honeymoon.
I wanna clean the place up for you.
I'll clean the house so you don't see a dust.
I'm Dutch. Did you ever see a dirty street in Hague?
We are ready to clean.
Great, let's do it together. And we can watch my Durante tapes.
Let's put an end to this silly argument right now.
I'll arm-wrestle you for it. Winner cleans.
You sure you really want to do this?
Come on.
One, two, three. Okay, lady wins. Now let's eat right up and get to work.
That's quite a forearm you've got there.
And remember the thrust.
Four hundred megawatts and lightning isn't enough to go extragalactic.
-What's this? -Your martini. Would you like one, dear?
No, thank you.
And finally your turkey.
Dig right in.
Eat fast, solve all your problems, and fulfil yourself. I'll make the beds.
Quite a spread.
Daddy, don't you think this is pretty strange?
Your stepmother's just full of surprises.
I know how happy you are...
...and I wouldn't do anything in the world to get in the way of that happiness.
-But last night, after my date-- -Your date?
How'd your date go?
Fine, but Dad, I saw her drink the battery juice from your Honda.
Jessie!
Not only that, I saw her lift a burning hot pan with her bare hands!
Now I wish I didn't have to go to the lab.
-Your new mother-- -Stepmother!
Stepmother loves you very much.
She's concerned that she won't fit in around here.
She knows there'll be problems--
Dad, if the car won't start, will you at least give me the benefit of the doubt?
Nothing happened, Jess. You must have dreamed it.
-Bye. -Not you.
We do the rest of the house in 14 seconds.
Then Council provides the lightning. He does the transmission...
...and we head the 92 light years home.
Setty Lab. This is Mills.
Dad, come home right away. The house is on fire.
You can't leave now! What if we get rain?
Jessie!
Stay away from me.
No, it's not what you think.
You are an alien!
Oh, my God!
And you!
Quiet!
-Bag, let her down! -Not yet.
What do you want?
We're from Co-sign into the Eighth.
Ninety-two light years and two solar systems away.
Your father penetrated our atmosphere with a radar beam nine days ago.
We must duplicate that transmission in 12 hours...
...or our civilisation will be destroyed.
Is that why you're here? But he doesn't know how he did it!
-We assume that's a lie. -No, it's not.
You should know him well enough to know he doesn't lie.
Could that be the truth? Could it be it was just an accident?
No! The teenager is lying, too.
No, I don't think so.
We have to find out or we'll never be able to leave.
Leave? But what about my father?
He loves you. For the first time in five years he loves someone.
You're gonna kill that in him. He'll never recover.
Celeste doesn't care. Right, Celeste?
Right, Celeste?
Right.
If you don't say anything, we'll let you down.
No, we won't!
I'm in charge of this mission.
Will you not tell your father until we've gone?
Yes, just don't hurt him.
-Let her down. -Celeste!
Let her down!
That wasn't necessary.
Give the dog back his bark.
Celeste, your attitude sucks.
-Ciao, baby. -What's this about a fire?
Daddy!
You said there was a fire! What's going on?
I had to say there was a fire. What was I to say?
"The living room's spotless, come home."
Why did you call me? Why did you lie?
I had to. Daddy, you married a person from another planet.
Celeste doesn't come from Holland.
She comes from a place 92 light years and two solar systems away.
Not again. You're going in for counselling.
She does. She took away Dave's bark and put me on the ceiling for ten minutes.
Celeste is not from another planet.
Your stepmother is not an alien.
I mean, please, this is a fantasy. Don't you think I know aliens?
It's my business to know.
Why do we never see her eat or sleep?
And how come we suddenly get a new living room in one afternoon?
And inside that bag there's a horrible eye.
Just like why my car wouldn't start this morning?
Just look inside.
I come home from the lab to look in a purse.
Lipstick. Passion pink.
Mascara. Unusual for a purse, isn't it?
Q-tips. An eye!
Jessie, there's no eye in here.
She made it disappear. There was one in there.
And she did lift up the bacon without a potholder.
And what about all that food she cooked for breakfast?
You don't have an answer and you won't believe me.
And she's gonna be gone in 12 hours, and why won't you listen to me?
Now, honey, come on. Jessie, come here.
Jessie, where are you going?
Come back here, Jessie.
Get off the street!
Jessie, you bring that bike back here now! Hey, come on.
-Stop! -What's wrong?
Come on!
I'm sorry, I didn't see her. Is she all right?
She's okay.
I didn't see her.
It's all right.
You gave yourself away to save my life.
I'll be right back.
Do you really have to go?
It's the same on both our planets.
Just when you get to know someone they have to leave.
My mom, I mean, my first mom, had to leave, too.
I know you have to go. This isn't your home. I understand that.
Can you at least wait till morning?
I'll try.
Where's your spaceship?
Behind your moon, Steve.
What do you do up there?
Meditate? Plan how to break hearts? If you know what they are.
We are where you will be in 55 centuries. If you make it.
I'm 1,296 years old.
We reproduce by synthesis in a petri dish.
We use 104 percent of our brain capacity as opposed to your 36 percent.
Our lives are spent in perfect harmony...
...improving our civilisation with none of the erratic highs and lows you have here.
I see. Sort of like Switzerland.
Why do you reproduce in a petri dish?
We learned that sex was inefficient and messy.
So you got rid of it, just like that?
I must admit, we were a little hasty on that one.
You mean I married a virgin? Mother would be proud.
Don't you ever do stuff like go on vacation?
Sure we do.
What do you do on vacation?
Math.
What do you do to have fun?
Graphs.
We go to warm places together and hold hands.
It's too bad you don't eat food.
You might find it could be quite pleasurable.
You get pleasure out of food?
-Here. -No, thank you.
If you want my secrets you'll eat my sandwich.
Chew!
This is fun. What is it?
Ham and cheese on rye with mayo.
And I love the way it feels against the roof of my mouth...
...and the sides of my tongue.
This is fun.
Here, wash it down.
This makes me smile, too.
Seagram's Scotch Whiskey.
Celeste?
Did you ever like me?
Steve, of course I did. I do.
It wasn't just physics?
No. If I were an Earth person I would do exactly what we did.
-It might have taken a little longer, but-- -Then why can't you stay?
I just can't.
What if I never sent the transmission again?
Then nobody would be able to use it against you ever.
Unfortunately that's not the history of your planet.
And if you don't do that transmission, my planet will die.
-Are you mad at me? -Mad?
I'm furious. I'm confused, I'm upset, I'm frustrated, I'm furious!
You're everything I ever wanted in a human and an extraterrestrial.
If I send the transmission, which I don't know how to do...
...and save your planet, I lose you.
If I don't send it, you stay but I kill a whole planet.
But I'd make a lousy Earth person.
I made way too much breakfast, and the dog hates me.
The dog loves you. We all love you.
Don't you see, that's why it's so hard.
That's why I'm so torn apart.
I feel like Durante.
"Did you ever have the feeling that you wanted to go
"Still had the feeling that you wanted to stay
"Knew it was right wasn't wrong
"Go stay, stay go"
That's exactly how I feel.
You know this song?
I feel just like you and Durante.
I don't wanna go, but I can't stay.
I feel only one way.
I want you to stay.
Boy, talk about being tied to your work.
I spend my whole career trying to prove there's life on other planets...
...and when I find it, I marry it.
Lightning.
You shocked me.
Static electricity. The metal in Ron's snaps.
Snaps.
Ron's buttons.
The cage around the Klystron.
That's the wild card! Come on.
He knows.
He's a true scientist.
You realise, of course, as soon as we've made contact we'll have to leave.
-I'm aware of that. -Right after we kill them.
-Kill them? -Not just them. The whole thing.
What do you call it? Earth.
We're not killing anybody.
We'll get what we need and leave Earth as we found it.
I'm afraid not. We're wiping out everything.
People, land mass, water. The Council has told me to take care of it.
We're not going to do anything.
Eight minutes after he transmits that signal...
...here's Earth!
Jessie, sweetie! It's time.
Come on, get up.
Be careful.
Ron, it's Celeste.
Celeste! It's Ron!
Ron, it's just not working out. Steve and I simply aren't compatible.
What?
Our physical relationship just isn't what it should be.
I need to talk to someone. I need to talk to you.
About your physical relationship?
Could you come to the lab, and we could discuss these matters of the flesh?
The flesh? Yes, sure. But, I mean, he's my brother.
But we don't need to tell Steve everything.
And Ron, would you mind doing me a little favour?
I left my purse in the bedroom at home. Bye.
This is terrible. What am I going to do? He's my own brother!
This is terrible. My own brother!
And yet.
Where've you been all day? This rain could stop at any minute.
Grady, we need a conductor. A conductor.
Solid tin.
Next year when they give out that Nobel Prize...
...I'll be up there, and I'll tell them about--
Steve, darling.
See what did it? Ronnie put his jacket on the chair and it had brass buttons.
It was a short circuit.
Electrical impulse bouncing between the Klystron and the fried buttons.
It threw the power way beyond 400 megawatts!
Telescope's all set, Dr. Mills.
You won't forget to tell Dr. Sagan how helpful I've been?
Carl Sagan? Sure.
Now all we need is the lightning.
Watch the monitors. That's where the action is.
All right, put these on.
Put those on.
Okay, set your attractors.
Set your attractors.
Steve, I have to talk to you.
Bag!
You've signed your own death warrant, sister!
-Prepare to initiate the system. -Prepare to initiate the system.
I've got to. I want to kill myself.
-I'm in love with your wife. -What?
Steve, the reflectors.
Ready!
Now!
Jesus!
Great! Nothing's changed here!
Daddy, look!
I know!
I'll be damned!
We did it again!
Science!
Steve, didn't you hear what I said?
I am in love with your wife.
She's in love with me. It's a whole thing. We gotta talk.
Get rid of that bag.
The bag?
That bag will destroy your planet.
Babe, I love ya, we'll get rid of the bag. I mean, what's in it?
A little eyeliner, a little lipstick, a little eye.
Lights out!
T-minus ten seconds and counting.
Ten, nine, eight....
I am indestructible.
Seven, six, five, four, three....
You do a woman a favour and the eye in her purse attacks you.
Is the pocketbook dead?
Of course, you nincompoop.
Please, step outside.
I'm in hell! This is hell!
The transmission was a success.
Our gravity has already begun to revert. We have been saved.
Why has this planet not been dispatched?
You never said you were going to destroy this place.
We must! They know how to destroy us.
Council, Dr. Mills never meant to hurt anyone.
There are too many strange and good things that go on here to destroy it.
They have war, they have indifference, they have suffering.
Yes, but they also have jitterbugs.
-Jitterbugs? -Frivolous!
And children.
Jokes. And ham and cheese on rye with mayo!
Mediocre.
And making love.
And sneezes.
Sneezes?
And Jimmy Durante!
Jimmy?
Show me Jimmy.
They want to see Jimmy.
Come on.
Grady.
Jimmy Durante from The Man Who Came To Dinner.
Hello, up there, you omnipotent superbeings...
...from some other dimensional planet.
Hit it!
"Did you ever have the feeling that you wanted to go
"But still had the feeling that you wanted to stay
"You knew it was right wasn't wrong Still you know you wouldn't be very long
"It's tough to have the feeling that you wanted to go
"Still had the feeling that you wanted to stay
"Start to go, change your mind
"Start to go again But change your mind again
"It's tough to have the feeling that you wanted to go
"Still have the feeling that you wanted to stay
"Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do
"l go
"l stay"
Kill them.
Hey, you! This is an English automobile!
We have never had sneezes.
Sneezing makes the head tingle. The whole body feels alive.
What else is like this?
Sir, can you see with my eyes?
Of course.
Then this is why.
I see.
This...
...what do you call it? Earth. Deserves more study.
It's too weird to destroy.
It will be spared.
Celeste, it is time to come home.
Now come home, Celeste.
Sir, I am home.
It's no use. I can't go.
That is impossible.
Celeste, you must return.
Wait. Come on now.
Hi. Steve Mills.
You look like a reasonable bunch of superbeings.
We really have to work this out.
I'm in love...
...with your Chief Extragalactic Probist.
What do you mean, no?
We need someone to tell us about your war and making love...
...and all your fuzziness.
Excuse me...
...Big Thing in the Sky...
...you need someone to tell you about making love?
We need someone to tell us about everything.
Does anyone up there look as good as she does?
Everyone does.
-Better. -Really?
It's impossible.
Sir? He knows more than I do about all things down here.
It's an interesting idea.
He can come.
Who's gonna drive this thing?
Group Captain Winnek Woofet and the 12th Navigational Command.
My God! She looks just like Princess Stephanie.
She looks just like Princess Stephanie, too.
If you say so.
They all look like Princess Stephanie.
Can I ask you a question?
You think my Rolls would be impressive?
-Might be. -Can I bring it?
Yes, of course.
-Goodbye, my dear. -Bye, Uncle Ron.
Bye, my dear.
Ron, are you sure you want to do this? You're making a pretty radical move here.
They all look like Princess Stephanie.
They do, don't they?
Time's wasting.
Where are the keys to your beachhouse?
Enjoy.
Have a nice drive. Flight. Trip.
Get the heck off this planet.
Come on.
Right over here, baby.
-What is it? -It's a car.
We'll be in touch, Celeste.
Enjoy your humanity while it lasts.
A little one-on-one dad?
No thanks, honey.
I think Celeste and I are going upstairs and get some sleep.
I get it.
I'll be right up.
Are you human or what?
Human. Every part.
All that power to do stuff left with Bag, right?
I guess so.
Drive!
Goodnight, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.